Motive?

 Carol's return home has transferred her hospital suffering upstairs with disturbed nights, another fall though less spectacular, and continuing trouble trying to tempt her to drink (vital for the UTI) and eat (vital for some energy). I am not sure she shows any improvement since returning but then she has been receiving no medicine for a week. Friends have been so kind popping in briefly and praying. Occasionally bringing food - very welcome to me!

However a background issue has been buzzing. ( I think other old preachers may understand).  Several weeks ago I was invited to preach at my own local church on Sunday 27th. This Sunday!  I only preach at my own church since Carol has been poorly, and this was only the second time this year.  Ever since my call to preach in Chatsworth Baptist Church (and that story has been written up!) I have experienced the wonder and terror of sharing God's word. Listening for a biblical word and proclaiming it. I have always found preparation has taken me to deeper places with God, and the actual act of preaching has brought a powerful sense of working with God for transformation.  For me, it's a very special opportunity.

So, when all this dramatic stuff with dear Carol was happening I still felt positive about preaching this Sunday.  Yes, I am tired but my early work with the chosen text has been exhilarating. Even last Sunday when I was asked whether I would be able to preach I answered 'yes'.  I was sure!  Why was I so convinced?  On Monday night Carol fell in the bedroom again and set my pulse racing. I realized how weary I really was.  I still felt preaching was a possibility. Yet, by morning, when her UTI test showed no improvement I recognized the folly of persisting with my dream.

Why had I hung on so long?  All kinds of motives might lurk in my soul?  Now in my bone-weariness, I am grateful that my friend Ian Randall is preaching in my stead. But I don't think it should have taken me so long to withdraw!