I and Thou

 A library book surprised me.  It's a demanding textbook on Living with Dementia and the Foreword began with a two line quote: 

What's more important love or money? 

Love definitely.  

Interestingly it was quoting a question and answer from a resident in a dementia care home. 

This opened up the whole question of how best to test people with deteriorating memories. Usual tests ask questions of detail, such as the date, day of the week, or give an address to remember and a clock face to fill in.  In contrast with this approach, the author introduced the distinction made famous by the religious thinker Martin Buber. I rubbed my eyes with delight. The contrast in Buber's book titled I and Thou (1922) was still making waves when I studied theology (years ago!). He contrasted the I-It approach which concerns our experiencing and using of things with the I-Thou approach which concerns the whole of our being entering into real relationships grounded in life. Indeed, through such  whole person relationships we can be open to what Buber called 'the eternal Thou'. 

It's true isn't it that I-It relationships can be distant, objective, detached and cool? Ticking boxes. Putting people into categories.  But in I-Thou relationships your engagement is personal, making you open and vulnerable in genuine dialogue by making mutual commitment to understand who the other person is. Asking people about what truly matters in life - money or love - engages in a profoundly different I-Thou way and allows  you to see the humanity, wisdom and creativity of the other person.  

As you can imagine this sets the scene for the book's stress on person-centred care that seeks to create good moments in relationships and values that connect with the strengths possessed by people living with dementia.  I like the challenge of rejecting the I-It transactional approach to life for the richer I-Thou.  Whether you're thinking of dementia or relationships in general the richer I-Thou is the way to live.  A good reminder.