Checks along the way

Early in his book Rohr emphasizes the need to check movement and direction in our lives, with two key insights: 

1) you can only see and understand the earlier stages of your life from the wider perspective of the later stages. Only when you can see past immaturities can you grow more mature!  Only by growing 'in wisdom, age and grace (Luke2:52) can you be patient and understanding of the previous stages. Mature people learn from their past. They do not create enemies and they are not either-or thinkers. As he puts it 'they bathe in the ocean of 'both-and".

2) from your own level of development you can only stretch yourself to comprehend people just a bit beyond yourself.. To sense the challenge of growing more mature by comparison.

The workbook journal asks us to reflect on our lives and ask whether we see deeper meaning in our youthful life experiences than when they were first happening. What changes do we feel called to make now that will free me up to living a larger life on behalf of the world.  I noted down details about my early stages of faith as a child, youth and student. Looking back I can see how fortunate I was in all the influences and God-incidences in my life. How much I owed God. But I also recognized how much my need for achievement and recognition was locked into even my faith journey.

Rohr's two insights remind me of a lunch when I was interim pastor of First Baptist Church, Wheaton, Illinois. An elderly couple had invited us to a meal in their home.  He and his wife were a sheer delight, showing great interest in us and our lives as newcomers to the church. Such care was shown. Only when he died a  very few years later, and at his thanksgiving service I saw the video of his own lifetime achievements, did it dawn on me.  What a gifted man with a mighty impressive portfolio!  As a missionary evangelist he had preached to thousands -a video showed him in action.  Impacting hundreds of lives he later become a denominational leader of note.  Yet, in his dealings with us (and everyone else), none of this was evident. He just shared love. His humility that had no need to parade his past set a high standard of spiritual development...to challenge my own development. I have never forgotten that lunch. 

Two halves

I was glad to see Bill's comment after my last post commending a book they profitably used on ageing. I must look it up. When it comes to books on this subject I suppose one of the best known is, Richard Rohr’s ‘Falling Upward - a Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life. It's unusually wide in scope and not an easy read. The two halves of life was originally Carl Jung's idea. Rohr warns that the first half of life is the one that we all recognize and sadly some of us never move beyond.  It is the life when we establish our identity.  It's full of trying to make our mark, achieve what he calls a strong 'container' that is all about surviving successfully.  Our career, home, relationships, financial security are vital to who we are. But that's not all that matters.  

Rohr rightly sees that almost all of culture and even religious history has been invested in the creation of this first half of life.  And, of course, we do need to have boundaries, identity, safety and to feel special. To build ego-structures which need to be strong to contain the contents and contradictions later in life. 'You ironically need a very strong ego structure to let go of your ego.'  

And, tragically, if there is no letting go the ego's need for affirmation, certitude and control we can never move into the second half of life.  His spiritual challenge is to discover our true self as we grow in our journey with God. This involves much uncertainty and things out of our control, stumbling over stumbling stones and necessary suffering as we learn who we truly are with him. It's a huge upheaval from the way we have lived earlier.  As he puts it ' a falling off of the very wagon that we constructed. No one would choose such upheaval consciously; we must somehow "fall" into it.'  It's all about learning more of God's grace - discovering what really counts to God in our weaknesses and lack of certainties as we go down in the second half before we go upward in God's love. 'Great love is always a discovery, a revelation, a wonderful surprise, a falling into 'something' much bigger and deeper that is literally beyond us and larger than us. 

There are many demanding ideas in his book. I remain challenged by his assertion that the first half of life is discovering the script and the second half is actually writing it and owning it.  I have used the companion journal to his book and need to mention a couple more things.

Yes...optimism helps

 

Reflecting a little more on ageing, is it true that those who write about ageing successfully are generally on the inside of the subject?  Some have breezed through their seventies (the so-called young old) and remain active in their eighties (the ‘old-old’).  They may never have suffered serious illness or, if they did, it is in the past.  Very significantly, they are active in mind.  No signs of any form of dementia.  Probably they are spared money worries and most importantly of all, they have relationships that give them pleasure - family, friends, neighbours, and church. A lively social network is widely regarded as essential for a satisfying life.  All these positives perhaps explain how they are able to write about ageing in the first place!  Writing requires a degree of determination and optimism.  

Research published in 2019 by the University of Boston connected levels of optimism with long life. The most optimistic men and women increased their lifespan by 11-15 percent.  They had 50-70 percent great odds of reaching the age of 85 compared with those in the less optimistic groups.  The study included many other factors such as chronic diseases, educational attainment, alcohol use, exercise and diet.  Research suggested that more optimistic people may be able to regulate emotions and behaviour and bounce back from stress and difficulties more easily.  The oldest man in Britain was interviewed recently and asked for his reason for his long life he attributed it to ‘being happy.’  ‘When I look at life I see things that make me happy’ he said, a big smile on his face.  Well, some of us want to say ‘Hurrah for optimists' bur what about those who have suffered serious illness, dementia and have not been spared money worries?  

I am acutely aware of those to whom life has not been kind and enter older age rather battered down, often through suffering.  What other things can be said?

Ticked

I'll get back to the subject of ageing but something odd happened a few days ago.  Carol asked me what was the matter with my left leg, pointing to something on the back of my leg, out of my sightline.''I.ve never seen anything like it! she exclaimed. 'It's like a black growth with a black teardrop hanging down. It's really strange and ugly.'  Blissfully unawares I had for some days, showered, dressed, sat and walked while this thing determinedly hung on.

At Tesco pharmacist we asked for advice. At first she seemed loathe to examine me but, when pressed, she pronounced with surprise that I was housing a large tick which needed to be removed at once.  A tick?  Wouldn't I have felt something like that?  Apparently not.  Just over 2 hours later in our doctor's surgery a nurse wielded large tweezers to extract the tick and then jump on it several times. Apparently, NHS regulations suggest killing it by a burning cigarette - that doesn't sound appropriate in a smoke free zone! The nurse from Cameroon said she had often dealt with ticks in Africa but since coming to England I was only her fourth victim.

Then began a watch and see period.  Was the site going to expand, change shape and colour?  Was I going to show symptoms of infection such as headache, fatigue, muscle pain. I am happy to report that a friend who is an experienced nurse has now examined me and declared me free.  There is no mass underneath the bite and I have no symptoms.

The great mystery is where this particular tick has come from. Could it have begun eating me in the US on our visit there?  Or is it homegrown?  Apparently, they are on the rise in the UK.  So, this salutary tale is a warning to us all.  Beware ticks..  

Optimistic faith

 

In fairness, I should give more space to the book with that provocative title: The Joys of Successful Ageing. Written by a popular US pastor George Sweeting it is full of bright optimism. Though he has experienced serious illness, it is also clear that he has enjoyed a successful career and is widely admired. Optimism radiates from the first chapter 'Lighten Up'. He likes the quote: 'We don't stop laughing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop laughing'. Humour, he writes, combats stress and helps creatively cope with life. He calls us 'to use it or lose it' and claims that people of faith tend to live longer. Because they view the physical body as God's temple, trust in God, belong to an extended church family, practice faith with prayer and can experience grace. 

Positively, he unpacks these different aspects with the OT character, Caleb, as his role model. Aged 85 when many people are well into retirement Caleb claimed he was as strong to serve as he had been at the age of 40 ( Josh 14:11).  ‘Rather than seeking security and ease, he asked for an enemy-infested mountain, so he could give it as an inheritance to his children and grandchildren. Caleb is an authentic role model for all who want to age successfully. His last years were his best…and they can be your best as well'.

He commends Caleb's secret: 'Don't be misled by circumstances or frightened by difficulties. They're not what matters. It is you attitude that counts. Caleb won the battles of life because he first won the battle of faith. That was Caleb's secret...and it can be yours.'  

It's a bright and cheerful book. I couldn't help thinking about two sentences at the beginning:  First, he says he was born with a happy disposition, a giggler who sets others off laughing.  Second, he emphasizes how authentic joy has nothing to do with disposition but comes from a spiritual relationship with God. Nothing to do? Isn't it likely that when you are born with a happy disposition, applying Christian faith positively is easier?   I must ponder some more!

 

 

 

Getting back into the swing.

 

Returning from the USA has proved long and weary. Jet lag has lagged on and on. What we could once bounce through in a day or two has taken nearly two weeks. Several have pointed out that not only has the  pandemic interrupted patterns of behaviour, but has wedged two years of misery and ageing into our lives. This certainly hasn't helped any of us. But, whatever the reason, it has been hard work getting back into the swing.

When I turned 70 (a while ago) I was given a Christian book - The Joys of Successful Ageing   It made me think.  What joys lie ahead?  Is joys the appropriate word?  And what is successful ageing?   Is ’joy’ the primary sign of successful ageing?  So that when everything takes more time, faculties dim, friends die, and life becomes more limited, is the ability to keep joyful the symptom of success ? 

For younger readers I realize these may not be urgent questions. (Though, of course, ageing is continuous and maybe there are applicable lessons for those in their forties, fifties!)  But, frankly, I didn’t think much about ageing until I was into my 70’s.  But this book title set me thinking and I need to ponder what word is most appropriate to ageing. 

So, for a post or two I though I might reflect about successful ageing. I rather like the idea.

A good hiatus

I know there's a gap in postings. Well, we have just visited our US family, for the first time in 3 years.  Having not flown since (blame Covid) it all seemed to absorb more nervous energy beforehand and some exhaustion afterwards.  But as Carol pointed out, helpfully, everything seems more difficult with age.  But it was so worth it!

• Just being with family after a long separation.  Yes, just being.  Relaxed, sitting, talking, listening and eating.  I guess that the fact we had missed being together for 3 years intensified the experience. They have worked so hard improving their home in Warwick, NY, with 1 and half acres of grass, trees, with deer, chipmunks and flourishing flower beds. A lovely home.
• Kindness in so many ways.  Planning for us very thoughtfully. Their checklist included visiting Carol's favourite store in their town (three times); seeing Downton Abbey together; strolling through a huge outlet stores complex where Carol spent birthday money; cheering Elliot playing trumpet in the school jazz band as it led the town's Memorial Day procession;  being amazed at Sophie's skill on her computer design programme; enjoying ice cream served by Elliot at the farm shop where he works part-time; celebrating the Platinum Jubilee with BBQ steaks, fire pit and sparklers. 
• They planned a Grand Finale on the day before we flew home.  Rob had booked a session in a photography studio to capture us as a family group.  But, to my astonishment, he presented me with a plaque celebrating the 50th anniversary of my ordination.  Which I had to hold for some of the poses!  All slightly embarrassing but so generous and thoughtful. 

I know family reunions can vary greatly.  But I just wanted to share with thanksgiving how ours worked out.