Slow Down to Praise

You know this business I mentioned in my last sermon - slowing down to praise God for his creation? Well, I shared in a delightful conversation with a friend I met in a local garden centre.  He mentioned how he had been transported back as a child to Birdlip Hill. My mention of this scenic viewpoint in the sermon had triggered memories of how his grandparents, who lived in a village near Gloucester, would take him up to drink in the same vista that I had described - with awe and wonder.  He told me how he, like me, can close his eyes and picture the breathtaking scenery above the Cotswold scarp, as the Vale of Gloucester falls away before your feet. Indeed, he thinks he may still have an old photograph!  To sit with hot chocolate and scone and share together vivid memories of the same glorious view of God's creation was a surprisingly good slow down moment.

The eclipse experience last week provided a more obvious occasion . Behind the new estate that has mushroomed behind our house open fields lie flat towards the horizon.  The moment of closest eclipse was around 7:08 pm in Cambridge, so I set out about 6:45 to walk through the houses onto the path that runs beside the fields.  I took my best sunglasses but was horrified to realize how useless they were. With my Fuchs Atrophy eye disease I am meant to avoid sunlight.  Just as I discovered this my kind church neighbours returned from vigil with their grandchildren. 'You should really use these eclipse glasses!', she said, holding out a pair of cardboard galaxarium eclipse glasses. What an idiot I felt when I donned them. The moon was moving ever closer, the crescent was narrowing. I could see it so clearly and safely.  

Walking to the path I found people strung along its length, looking upward. Groups large and small, couples, singles. Silent. Totally absorbed. Looking upwards.  I walked a little way along to find a space. The quietness had a quality of awe and wonder. Nearby a young woman was resting on her bicycle. She had no eclipse glasses and was barely able to look into the glare. I offered my loaned pair and recognizing that I was a harmless old guy she willingly took them! Her face was transformed with delight. It was near the time of maximum eclipse. Just wonder. Talk about slowing down to praise God for his creation. This amazing cosmic event before our eyes.  After a while she told me she saw the total eclipse in 1999 when she was a small child growing up in Greece. How unforgettable that was, and now a further experience was added. 

I know you can stare with wonder and not praise God, but how glorious to praise him when you are truly moved with awe!

Deadline met

Puff..puff..pant..pant! Yes, the Hebrews deadline for Encounter Bible reading notes was met. And just to prove the point, let me briefly summarize the last two chapters.

Beware entanglement (Heb. 12:1:-13) I had to confess that I got the balance wrong between encouragement and warning. Thrilled by the cloud of witnesses cheering us one I minimized the danger of 'throw off everything that hinders' (verse 1) which is the main issue. The whole point of the passage is to warn this young church that enduring in the Christina race is no easy thing. That's why the subject of discipline looms large in the rest of the passage.

My Utmost ( Heb 12:14--29) Like the title of Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest' this passage exhorts us to give our best energies to living in God's peace and holiness. Effort is needed for the consecrated life. Old Testament examples illustrate the challenge: Esau, an anti-hero, who traded his spiritual rights for good, and two mountains. Sinai, terrifying in its holiness because of God's presence,is contrasted with the 'divine' mountain of God's eternal kingdom in the new covenant. However joyful this gift is, we can never treat God's holiness lightly. He remains as holy judge.

Good practice (Heb 13: 1-16) I contrasted a list of Summer habits I had recently read (like hydration, sunglasses etc.) which was me-centred and rather trivial, with this list which focuses on doing good to others. How demanding each issue is. Nothing trivial here. Giving hospitality, befriending prisoners, integrity in marriage, right attitude to money. And, surprisingly, the famous verse about Jesus being present in every age(verse 8) is sandwiched between exhortations to respect godly leaders. And, as you would expect with Hebrews the need for boldness and confidence in worship rounds off the list. Jesus expects practical differences to show in our lifestyles.

Booster send-off (Heb. 13: 17-25) Respect for leaders emerges again as do a few hints about the reader's situation, though they don't provide enough clues for identification! But what stands out with memorable clarity is the benediction (verses 20,21) which gloriously crowns the letter. I love the picture 'the Great Shepherd of the sheep'. What a powerful God booster send-off , blessing us that by his Spirit he seeks to keep working through us for his glory. 

It's such a privilege to be invited to write notes for such a wide international readership. I am truly grateful as an old boy to have been given this opportunity, I really am.

2nd piece of advice

 I've always associated a second piece of advice with a pastor called Stanley Turl, in my earlier years: ‘ A preacher should always preach one sermon a year that the people don’t easily understand'. I fear preachers can quite easily preach confusing sermons - we don't need advice about doing that. But what lies behind is the famous claim in Isa. 55:9 when God says 'my ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts'. His ways and thoughts are so different. If we think we have worked everything out, that we’ve got God's plans mapped out, we are in terrible danger of making God too small.  The more you are prepared to wonder, the deeper you can go. But you have to be careful. Because God has given us his word in the Bible, in which we can go more deeply. 

So, I value teachers who are true bible scholars. Who probe Scripture listening to God's truth. It’s perhaps no surprise in my bereavement that I have been rereading a book called Surprised by Hope by Tom Wright. It’s reimagining heaven, resurrection and how it affects our faith and mission. It’s a complex and, yes, controversial book because to paraphrase his concern its that most people think Christian hope is simply that we will go to heaven when we die, leaving this poor world behind for ever.  In fact, some views of the end time discard this world because there’s a better place and different reality.  Wright asks if this is what the Bible says. He’s particularly concerned about forgetting the Jewish understanding of this wonderful creation here. About Psalm 148 truth, this world set in place for ever and ever; he gave a decree that will never pass away (verse6). Rather, God’s whole purpose in the death and resurrection of Jesus is to redeem and restore and renew his creation and to rule over it as king. When the Lord’s prayer says Thy will be done, Thy kingdom come, on earth as in heaven this is powerful and revolutionary. On earth. For new creation has begun here with Jesus now. 

Like other bereaved people, I wonder where Carol is now?  Could it be, in the words of Wright -Heaven in the Bible is not a future destiny but the other, hidden dimension of our ordinary life. God’s dimension. ike a curtain lies between what we see and what is already his new work with us. God made heaven and earth; and at the last he will remake both and join them together forever. When we come to a picture of the actual end in Rev 21, 22 we find not ransomed souls making their way to a disembodied heaven but rather the new Jerusalem coming from heaven to earth uniting the two in a lasting embrace.   

Heaven is part of present reality. And for those who die are held firmly within the conscious love of God and conscious presence of Jesus Christ until they await the day of bodily resurrection.  We can call this paradise. It is a communion of saints, brothers and sisters in Christ. The church triumphant and expectant set within the new creation. Could this be? I love the thought of Carol remaining close in a God dimension. This is what I mean about being pushed in our believing about God. There’s so much talk about AI, the advantages and worries about artificial intelligence. And it is capable of outdoing human intelligence. But it will never be a match for DI - divine intelligence. That's the real thing. 

Interruption and God-bothering

After describing the breathtaking view from Birdlip Hill I had to interrupt myself. On my desk I have a prayer card with a picture of Elyanour and her children. She tells her story in Gaza - what she sees is a landscape of destruction and fear. It's a BMS card with prayer requests. Looking at her is humbling. What a privilege we have when we see our Summer views. And how much we should pray and care for those facing distress. We are a very fortunate people, aren't we?

Back to Birdlip Hill. As teenagers we weren’t very sensitive. I didn’t notice what percentage of that crowd were so irritated, even angry, about these enthusiastic noisy young people interrupting their enjoyment.  Much later in life when Carol and I worked for BBC Radio Blackburn religious program some in the studio actually called us God botherers to our faces. 'Here come the God botherers!' Psalm 148 is a God-bothering psalm. Most people know how to enjoy looking at this world without the need for God.  And we think we know about praise, too. Praise is telling someone they have done a good job. It applauds, recognizes work, skill, character. But this psalm profoundly challenges us. It isn’t about us praising God that he has done a good job in creation. He knows it’s good! This psalm is all about us joining in with creation’s praise. With what’s already going on all around us. 'Creation declares the glory of God, the skies proclaim this is God’s world'  (Ps 19)  Yes, the whole of creation is alive giving glory to God.  This is about everything. Everything -  things above, things on earth  - reveal God’s invisible qualities – as Paul puts it: his eternal power and divine nature (Rom 1;20). Beauty, design, order. complexity. This God bothering psalm doesn’t let us sit on top of Birdlip Hill  or wherever we are in Gods’ world, without declaring that all we see is God’s doing. As it resonates like a great symphony to God the creators’ praise, we are commanded to join in.

This psalm gives two lists for joining in. The first is all about joining in with the heavens above, about which we know so little: praise him from the heavens, praise him angels, praise him sun, moon and stars, praise highest heavens, let them praise the name of the Lord (verse5). We are part of a singing creation letting rip in wonder as you see what he’s done. Unreservedly we should join in a profound union with all this wonderful, amazing stuff of which we are part. And our place is made clear in the second list.

The second list praises God from the earth. And the praisers include: great sea creatures, ocean depths, lightning, hail, snow, clouds, stormy winds, mountains, hills, fruit trees and all cedars, wild animals, all cattle, small creatures and flying birds. (Notice some of his favourite things -fruit trees!) And then,  emphasizing how much we belong in God’s creation - the world of people. kings, nations,  young men and women, old men and children.  I love the way the psalm ends with special mention of his people, his saints. Those close to his heart , alongside sea creatures, fruit trees, small creatures. When we join in creation’s praise,  we are part and parcel of the wonder. You and me, made in the image of God..

 

Sermon Detour

On Sunday I am preaching again (that's rare nowadays). I have mentioned before my dread about being one of those old boys whose preaching has passed its sell-by date. Carol always promised she would let me know and I know she wouldn't hesitate. Of course, I shall now need to be extra sensitive myself and read the room!

Anyway I have two pieces of advice in mind as I prepare. One came from my own pastor when he gave me Psalm 148 as the chosen text. He wrote how I needed to help the congregation reflect on the beauty and majesty of God the Creator of all good things and to marvel how powerfully creation sings yet without for words (Ps.19). And he said that I should encourage hearers to SLOW DOWN these next summer weeks whether on holiday, walking around, or enjoying a picnic. Slow down in order to praise God for his wonderful creation. And this is a great psalm for that.

As a teenager living in Gloucester there was a place you could drive to up a steep hill, Birdlip Hill, up onto the scarp edge of the Cotswolds. A wide grassy area opened up on the edge of a sharp drop. Beneath lay a glorious  landscape stretching across the vale of Gloucester, and far beyond. A rolling landscape with hills, fields of all shapes, sizes  and colours, trees clustered. The city in the distance, Roads criss-crossing. Somehow everything working together beautifully, somehow in harmony.  On a clear Summer evening you could see for miles and it took your breath away. You just had to slow down and marvel.. And as a famous viewpoint in good weather there would be a crowd on blankets with picnics. Drinking in a glorious sight. And on this one Sunday evening, my father who was pastor of the church had organized the church youth group to go there after the evening service. With instruments - I had a piano accordian. We stood off to one side of the crowd and my Dad threw his voice to greet them on this glorious evening and say we were going to sing some hymns, songs to God about his wonderful world.  I wish I could remember. what we sang: There was an old hymn at the time:

Summer suns are glowing, over land and sea 

Happy light is flowing bountiful and free.

Everything rejoices in the mellow rays, 

All earth’s thousand voices swell the psalm of praise.

That would have fitted the scene well. But I must make it clear. I know what a privilege it is when we can share scenes like this. So many in our world cannot. I have a prayer card on my desk with a picture of Elyanour and her children in Gaza. Her story is so different. Fear and destruction is all around. On the card are prayer requests from the Baptist Missionary Society and the Bethlehem Bible College. How much of our beautiful world is in ruins.

 

A brave lady

Today, over three months later I was able to register Carol's death. The coroner's report arrived yesterday about her post-mortem results. Cold, clinical and alarming. Fortunately the neurology professor in charge of her case 'phoned me and helped unpack its technical language. What came across clearly is that Carol was hit by two diseases, both of them very rare and when combined lethal. The coroner had never seen a case like hers in a career covering thousands of patients. As the prof. described them I could only marvel about the way she had kept going through these recent years. And kept going with such kindness and care for others even as she was battling through a black miasma of cognitive mayhem.  On the day she died her power to swallow had long gone as well as her speech. Yet, she struggled to thank visitors for coming just four hours before she died. While dementia can often mute a sufferer's understanding, Carol remained painfully aware of her disturbing  and painful decline. She really was a very brave lady.  I knew that sitting by her bedside but learning about these diseases makes me marvel at her heroism so much more. 

One disease (called AGD) was slowly progressive, gradually disabling Carol with neurodegeneration. Marked by grave changes in memory, personality and psychology, its strange cognitive lapses occurred in continuous clinical decline.  It is a frightening disease in itself and Carol's struggles to be 'normal' over recent years showed such bravery.  

But catastrophically (that was the word the prof. used) Carol was hit by rapidly developing brain stem encephalitis with symptoms like the loss of ability to swallow.  Even rarer and combining with AGD it speedily moved to death with lethal effectiveness. In her last few weeks she must have struggled every day to keep going. Always polite and grateful to nurses and visitors. Sometimes I saw on her face, utterly disfigured by disease, her desperate attempts to understand what was happening to her. What turmoil the combination of these diseases caused.

I believe she was sustained by God's grace but what mental torture she went though. The researchers are still working on her case to see whether they can find some hidden trigger that caused her precipitous decline. Probably we shall never know.  What a grand lady she was!

Countdown 11

I know many may not be particularly interested but just to show I have buckled down as the deadline looms! Hebrews 11 is the most famous chapter in the letter - the rollcall of faith. Studies over four days focus on these sections.

Multi-faceted faith (verses 1-7) Some of these Old Testament figures prompt memories. Noah with the ark and animals first imprinted themselves on me while reading a children's bible. Imagine how these new Jewish Christians must have cherished these stories too. It was vital to show these new Christians that their own rollcall of men and women belong in this God story, now fulfilled in Jesus. As we look at the names: Abel, Enoch and Noah we realize that, obviously, their faith it defined as full personal faith in Jesus as Lord. Yet it is faith that endures, accepts God's word, wins God's approval and recognizes God's power, even though he remains unseen. Faith is multi-faceted and these Old Testament characters showed it too.

Real deal faith (verses 8-22)  We would expect Abraham to have major billing on this list. After all he is called 'the father of all who believe' (Rom 4: 11)  What courage and faith he shows setting out into the unknown - taking God at his word with minimum evidence. The seemingly impossible birth of Isaac to barren Sarah actually revealed a lapse of faith as Abraham tried to sort out the problem himself. What a contrast with his later behaviour toiling up the mountain to sacrifice Isaac. Now he appears to reason that somehow God can work it out. (verse 19) I remember hearing the spiritual challenge: Let go and Let God. This perhaps shows that he has learned to leave sorting out problems with God.

Saying No (verses23-31) It's a surprise that in Moses' action-packed life the fact of his adoption by Pharaoh's daughter is featured. This propulsion from a nobody in despised Jewish slavery to a member of the Egyptian ruling class with its privileges of rank, prestige, wealth and powers gives him a choice. Will he embrace the riches and pleasures of an easy life or dare to identify with his own despised people? By saying No to an easy godless life and yes to sharing in the suffering of his own people, Moses demonstrates high order faith in God's promised future.  This act of faith was particularly pertinent to these first readers who were in danger of giving up their faith because of abuse and suffering. Faith sometimes involves saying no to the easy path.

Crescendo of valour (verses 32-40) Unequal space is given to personalities on the rollcall. Suddenly the pace quickens with a cascade of names. Their faith is described in proactive courageous terms like conquering kingdoms and shutting the mouths of lions. Some of the descriptions of suffering sound tragically contemporary in the persecuted church But what a tribute is paid - 'that the world was not worthy of them (verse 38).  

Countdown 10

It's been serious focus time. I wrote last post that writing these Bible notes is demanding, disciplining and rewarding. I need to stress the rewards can be slow coming! Editing 330 words to do justice to each section of Scripture is much more about demanding and disciplining !  Hebrews 10 is split into three sections:

The new world view (1-10) expresses what must have been a profound shock to this young Jewish Christian church. Like when Copernicus discovered that the earth orbits the sun and is not the centre of the universe. Their once solid convictions about life-long Jewish practice are shattered. The yearly rounds of sacrifices once believed to be essential to their relationship with God are now 'set aside' (v9) - for Jesus the Messiah has come. One person replaces the whole structure of the Jewish sacrificial system. It is revolutionary for us too. I remember hearing a debate between a critic of Christianity and a Christian theologian. The critic ridiculed the concept of sacrifice as primitive and insubstantial. The rebuke from the Christian was strong: Jesus was a Jew on God's mission and for God's purposes 'sacrifice' is essential to salvation. God says 'My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my way' and sacrifice is his way to save the world. He planned the cross for us. 

A holy privilege (11-25) has three pictures. Two are from the temple. First, the priests stand at the altar offering sacrifices. Second, in vivid contrast is Jesus seated in glory, having completed God's love mission for us. From humility on the cross exalted to authority in glory. Third, is the Holy of Holies in the temple, accessible only once a year by the High Priest. Yet now, torn open by Jesus' sacrifice, opening up God's very presence for us to enter. To give us confidence to worship God in his holiness. Worship involves both personal consecration with sincere hearts and corporate consecration as worshippers have responsibility to spur each other to love and good deeds. What a corrective picture to any casual worship!

Serious business (26-39) Sadly, it is clear that some of these new Christians, having begun with enthusiastic faith, now find confidence and commitment to Jesus is ebbing away.  Here are some tough reminders of how God meted out judgment on those who rejected the law of Moses in the Old Testament. How much more seriously does God regard believers who are rejecting Jesus? Graphically they are described as 'trampling the Son of God' (v29). It's uncomfortable being reminded of our accountability  before Christ's judgment (2 Cor. 5:10) Nothing is more important in accountability than how we persevered in our faith and loyalty to Jesus as Lord. 

And, next, chapter 11!

Missed deadline

My journalist son tells me that deadlines are their best friends! They concentrate the mind and close the deal. In October 2025 I agreed to write Encounter Bible Notes for the last few chapters of Hebrews. The deadline was months ahead. June 15 2026. So far distant that I could relax and finish other projects. Indeed, I pushed it into 2026 as a responsibility to be plugged into the New Year. Little did I know that on January 1st Carol was to have the first of her falls and life was to revolve around another axis. Did I forget about Hebrews? Too right! When Carol was dying I received details of the writing contract complete with the June date. It was going to be missed. No deadline best friend here! The Editor extended the deadline by a few weeks, so it is eyes down with a fresh task. 

I guess that Hebrews is not everyone's favourite book. The young C.H. Spurgeon admitted, with typical humour, how he found it difficult to understand. As a teenager he revealed: ' I have a very lively, or rather deadly, recollection of a certain series of discourses on the Hebrews which made a deep impression on my mind of the most undesirable kind. I wished frequently that the Hebrews had kept the Epistle to themselves, for it sadly bored a poor Gentile lad.' 

Inevitably, because it's written to the Jewish Christian nucleus of the young church it needed to show how Jesus not only fitted into the Jewish world of ceremony and sacrifice but how he actually fulfilled its ultimate promise in himself!  And because this young church was already being persecuted it was vital to encourage them on their Christian journey. I am beginning to focus on Chapters 10-13 and, in spite of the heat (here in the UK breaking records for June|) am seeking to hear God's word afresh for the readers of Encounter.  I always find this role demanding, disciplining and immensely rewarding. Just how best can I use 330 words to express a daily truth for each day?  As I go through this task I will signal some of my findings. They are not due to be published until 2028 so it gives a quicke heads-up to any who may be interested! 

Last words on testimony

Paul's Christian testimony has startling potency, especially facing these smasher-uppers. It's a shining example of the transformed life 'in Christ'. However in my sermon I needed to add a word on one particular expression that jumped out at me. Though I thought that my bereavement had not borne any influence in my preparation, I realize it triggered a strong response to a word in verse 11.

Paul gives unwavering testimony and writes: 'I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection' (Verse 10) yet he adds 'and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.'  The two little Greek words translated 'somehow' occur three other times in the New Testament and introduce a note of uncertainty. Could there be uncertainty along with such a strong testimony? Surely not! However, the truth is that you may have strong faith in Jesus (itself a gift of God Eph 2:8) and still have wobbles under pressure, questioning about how God can still be working his promises.

At this point I reflected back to the situations about which I posted once when Carol was dying (Corrective note 9 April). I have had many comments on this post, because I needed to correct any impression that our strong faith in Jesus meant an easy ride. At times the awfulness of her disease and the distress she was going through was deeply painful. Friends who visited said that if I had not been sitting beside her they would not have recognised her. So changed by suffering. So, yes, there are wobbles, especially when she told me how God was not answering her prayers to help her. I held her hand and prayed with her, but at times like that you just wonder how God is going to work it all through to his glory. You really do say 'somehow' in a questioning but also expectant way because you believe he will be faithful to his promises. Giving testimony, living testimony, is not an easy ride.

And talking of blog posts I had to end the sermon with the story of the man on my roof  (You're with Jesus, right? 6 May) A few in the congregation had read the story but most hadn't, and they obviously enjoyed hearing of the solar-panel washer who boldly told me his potent testimony to reassure me that Carol is safe with Jesus. A great way to end!

Smasher-uppers and a testimony

When you feel you are in the right and others are wrong it's easy to make trouble. You don't need big issues to do damage. In my ministry I have encountered big issues, sometimes when leaders fixate on something they are so sure about. And, always, discernment about what is good or evil is a necessary spiritual discipline. (Heb. 5:15). But you can fall out seriously on lesser matters. In my decades (!) of ministry I guess one of the most obvious issue has centred on music. Moving from formal worship with classic hymns to contemporary music in less formal ways has sharpened strong opinions. 

Recently, I came across a- book - a self-published autobiography by a gifted musician who happened to have led worship in one of my churches. I remembered he had briefly mentioned his time in my church. Only a few words, mainly about one Sunday evening. He was in the congregation when a visiting group (I think of young people) led worship. At one point the congregation was encouraged to dance in the aisles, though no-one actually did!  He was near me standing at the door afterwards, when an older lady stormed up to me. He names her - she was one of the old faithfuls. And she was furious. He says that she stamped her feet. (I think that's artistic licence). But her attack was ferocious and wounding. 'How dare I allow music to degenerate and ruin her church etc.' Apparently I responded with pastoral concern while challenging her to see a bigger picture. I supposedly said that she couldn't bully her way because she felt she was right! Anyway, it was the end for her and storming out she finished with the church. What surprised and saddened me was to read that the author, my music director, was to resign too. He couldn't cope with any more smashing-up. Though I talked with him about his move, he never revealed this story until I read the book! How sad. (As a healing footnote - the angry lady eventually returned. Perhaps other churches she visited were even worse! I like to think it was love that won her back). 

How does the apostle Paul deal with these smasher-uppers. In the best way possible. He answers that question Who matters most in church? by giving his testimony about Jesus.  That's the corrective to any who lose sight of Jesus. GIVE YOUR TESTIMONY ABOUT JESUS.  LIVE YOUR TESTIMONY.

What a deeply personal testimony this is. He confronts these Judaizers whose credentials bolster their self-confidence about how right they are. It's as though Paul says: 'If you want to play the credential game about being right let me tell you I outclass you'. Look at the list, verses 4-6 . Not only circumcised, Hebrew of Hebrews, Pharisee, but a persecutor of the church. 'As for legalistic righteousness, faultless.'(verse 6). He knew that he was just so right he crusaded to destroy the church. 

But now he says he was so wrong. So very wrong.

Now I have met Jesus. Actually, he met me. And all these credentials I once thought all-important are gone from my life. Because 'Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, first hand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant - dog dung (The Message v 8 remembering the street dog!)  It is extraordinary - the arch persecutor now founding church missionary for Jesus. Utterly amazing. It's one of the greatest Christian testimonies, so dramatically moving from darkness to light. Now it's all about Jesus. 

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So what happened?

It was strange preaching again without Carol being physically with me. And, yes, at one point she did creep into the sermon! I began by thanking the church for their extraordinary hard work and loving support poured out to make Carol's Thanksgiving Service bearable and, at times, even joyful. I also had to mention the stupidly obvious sermon title I had chosen: Who matters most in church? Even people who never go near church will answer 'Well, it's God isn't it?' We need to say Jesus matters most - Head of the Church, his body. But what is stupid is when we never ask the question!

In these verse Paul is explosively personal. You can sense the passion and anger. Please understand that Paul really loves this church yet there is something he must repeat. It is essential in their situation but because God promises to keep speaking through his word, we must hear him now. A couple of different things happen. First there is a warning. 

(Verse 2) Watch out for those dogs, those men who do evil, those mutilators of the flesh.  There are two Greek words translated dog. One is for house dog. 'Sit....Fido. Good boy.' House trained – loyal friend. As a nation of dog lovers and cat lovers, we won't have a bad word said about Fido. But there is another word for dog – street dog. Street dogs are a world away from Fido. Feral, vicious, dangerous roaming the streets and attacking passersby. This is the word here. Street dogs have followed the apostle Paul wherever he has gone (see them mentioned in other letters too) with his good news message that Jesus is enough for salvation. They believe in Jesus but as Jewish Christians they are bullying and demanding converts need to be circumcised and follow other Jewish practices in order to be truly saved.  They are known as Judaisers. And when I say bullied there is a pernicious one upmanship that so upsets Paul. They know they are right about what matters to God and this young church is wrong. 

And, at this point in the young church’s story they are immensely dangerous. This is no minor issue, because Jesus is a Jew who gloriously fulfils the promise of the Old Testament with the gift of the New Covenant. Instead of all the rituals and sacrifices repeated every year, Jesus in his own sacrifice on the cross achieves forgiveness and eternal life once and for all. Sheer grace. A new family of God, New creation. But their teaching undoes everything about the good news of Jesus Christ. It's legalistic add-ons put emphasis back on obeying old commands rather than living in freedom to love God and neighbour within a kingdom of grace. They are saboteurs. If they win the fight they destroy the heart of grace in Christ..They are so sure they are right.  

So, how do we sum up this warning?  Beware the smasher-uppers. I know that’s not a real term but you know what I mean – people  who are so sure that they are so right about what really matters and other people are so wrong, they are bullying and forcing their way to divide and smash up a church. To destroy relationships because they know who counts . They are acting as though they MATTER MOST IN CHURCH.  They really do. They must get their way and they don't care what they smash up. In this church it threatens everything This is a big issue. But smasher-uppers don’t really need big issues. People can fixate on many things in church and it's so often complicated by personality issues. We know....

 

Too Soon?

I have been asked to preach next Sunday in Histon Baptist Church. Someone said to me: 'Isn't it too soon?' Good question. I am not sure. A series on Philippians is current and I need to slot in with a sermon on ch.3:1-11. Could it be too soon after Carol's funeral?  I guess my concentration levels are down a bit. In A grief observed, C.S. Lewis expresses raw grief (I may reflect on this in the future) which he begins by describing felt 'like fear...the sensation of being afraid'. And secondly, 'the laziness of grief. Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much. Even shaving. What does it matter now whether my cheek is rough or smooth|?'  My early reaction is weary sadness. That certainly means laziness comes easily. Yes, effort is needed more than ever.  .

Yet, because preaching was an early (strange) calling upon my life, I realize this is a gifted fresh opportunity. So I have begun my 'preaching swim' (as in 360degree preaching), immersing myself in the text , listening to what God may be saying and doing in his motivation to action. However, I remembered that I had actually written Encounter bible reading notes not long ago on this passage.

Did I look up my work (still to be published)?  You bet! A brief summary:

This is an astounding two-parter. A dire warning is followed by one of the world's greatest testimonies. First Paul condemns opponents in the church who insist on retaining Jewish requirements for believers. They reveal a 'confidence in the flesh' (verse 3) that still requires obeying laws of the old covenant. You sense Paul's anxiety about their influence on this young church.

Yet this outrage pivots dramatically as Paul describes how he was once one of them. Imagine the religious hubris! And this makes his testimony about encountering Jesus even more powerful - dramatically moving from darkness to light.

Astoundingly a chief opponent of the Jesus way, becomes gloriously transformed to lead Christians as he revels in such stunning all-for-Jesus language.

So I did some listening to the text. Now to take those important two steps: First to identify what to say - the message and purpose - and then prepare how to say it!  I'll let you know how it works out.

Algorithms and the creed

Facebook quickly recognized my bereavement and its algorithm now sends a daily stream of meditations on grief. Is this helpful? Occasionally, yes. One was titled: Mornings are the cruellest.

The morning light comes in the same way it always did, like the world didn't lose someone irreplaceable. And for a moment I just lie there caught between the life I had with you and the one I'm still learning to live without you.

I get up because I have to, but every morning begins the same way now                                              With your name on my lips, with your absence in the room                                                                  With another day ahead that you won't be in.

This resonates .Mornings are the worst for me. I know it's still early days.  Sometimes the meditation are bleak.

When the loss is deep enough it doesn't just break your heart. It breaks the foundation beneath your life. And from that moment on you are learning how to stand on ground that no longer feels familiar. 

No, the foundations are not broken. True much is unfamiliar - I am learning to live on fresh ground. But it's more a question of widening foundations. That's why I was drawn to a meditation (by Dick Willliams in Godfacts,19.73) on that credal conviction: I believe in the communion of saints.

Lord, slowly I am learning that You are my life, and I am learning that You are the life of all who love You;                                                                                                                                              I am learning that we who love You share the same life, and I am learning something of the sweetness and the splendour of that sharing.                                                                                      I am learning that when it is shared, our life in You expands according to some inner principle of  spontaneous growth like fire.                                                                                                            And I remember that You are eternal. You do not die. So that if You are my life, I shall not die.      And those who go before us with you as their life, live in you still, as I do, as your family on earth does.

Lord as we worship You (You who are our life) our love explodes across time and through eternity... catching us together from both sides of death's division and fusing our worship into one great act of praise.

You are God - not of the dead but of the living.

It is slowly learning but what deeper foundations! 

The first horrid birthday

That's what someone called yesterday. The first time I had to face Carol's birthday without her. It's true that certain occasions particularly unlock emotions. It was a year ago that Carol made her last  public outing, when our church life group celebrated her 80th birthday with a banner, diet Coke and good food. Looking far from well, she rose to the occasion and enjoyed the poem created in her honour.  

Yesterday many kind friends remembered the date and sent me messages of love. Good friends travelled from Suffolk to a National Trust Property (Anglesey Abbey) near Cambridge just for me. They treated me to lunch and then we walked a couple of miles through the grounds with spring flowers awakening around us.  What a kind idea to share in a time like that!

Later I was with our church life group for a fish and chip supper remembering Carol one year on. At a sad time there are few better experiences than being wrapped around by friends who not only remember Carol with affection and who miss her with me, but who shared in an extended prayer time one year on.

Yes, there are aspects that are 'horrid'. The loss of someone you deeply loved for 58 years inevitably leaves a cauldron of turbulence. Emotional disturbances bubble beneath the new normal. But I rejoice in yesterday's kindnesses. Thank you to all my friends for wrapping around me!

You're with Jesus, right?

 Four days before the funeral a white van drew up outside. The driver had worked on my solar panels a couple of years ago. Now he was back to wash them! They've been up for over 10 years and through sheer neglect have developed a thickish layer of algae and grime. A skilled salesman he emphasized the benefits of allowing him and his companion to clamber all over the roof (back and front) with a cleaner and (my) hose. 

Was I interested? No. It was among a number of things that I did not want to be bothered with as preparations gathered for Carol's funeral.  Yet, I realized inconvenient though it was I probably would benefit! So, reluctantly, I gave permission and admit they returned the panels to pristine condition - the solar units since have shown appreciable bounce.

When he came to say goodbye he asked about my missus. And then he saw the card display as I explained that she had died. 'Oh, he said, she was a lovely lady. I'm so sorry.'  As he was turning away he suddenly wheeled around. 'She's with Jesus, though, isn't she? You're with Jesus right!' 'Yes,' I replied, 'I'm with Jesus.'  'That's everything that is,' he said. Pulling down his t-shirt from his neck, he showed me the tattoo over his heart. A cross with the words: JESUS SAVES. 'I was in a terrible mess. My whole life. Drinking and all that. Going nowhere I was. And then I met Jesus and he's changed me. And he will never let me go. He's the way to heaven. I am the Way, the Truth, The Life. That's him. So we know that for your wife. She's safe with him.'

You just never know, do you? From a man on my roof came a powerful spiritual message, a testimony of faith, straight from his heart. I have smiled about this unlikely reinforcement of Christian comfort several times since. It's really good to be with Jesus, right? 

Scarf Sharing

 As friends entered the church and looked to the front they saw flowers on a pedestal, further flowers on the edge of the platform, and at the back along the baptismal rail over 70 scarves - the best from Carol's collection. The service sheet ended with a message from me:

One of you wrote: Whenever I think of Carol I hear laughter, see wonderful colour and love. True-and she loved colourful scarves. So today we took the best of her scarf collection, some unworn even, and displayed them at the front. We hope that many of you will feel able to take one away with you as a colourful reminder of dear Carol.

This rainbow range of brightness hit three aspects of Carol's personality

• Her love of scarves for every outfit and occasion. Over the years her collection grew, increased by gifts from friends (who knew how acceptable another scarf would be)! and boosted by gifts Carol packed in her present box for others. My daughters-in-law discarded the worn scarves and chose the best for the display.
• Her love of colour - Carol was educated in art and design at Goldsmiths College, London but she always had an abiding sense of style - always blending colour to suit the occasion.
• Her love of giving gifts - I mentioned in the service the four boxes of gifts in the garage amassed by Carol in this desire to give appropriate gifts. So, she would have approved of her collection being given away at the end of the service.

At the service's conclusion a stream of friends flowed onto the platform and nearly all the scarves went, with many people immediately donning one.  Over tea several spoke about the scarves around their necks: I remember Carol wearing this one! This one is so Carol! How wonderful to have a reminder like this!

The photo shows some family flowers on the platform edge with the rail display at the back.

Thanksgiving Day Link

A bright day of full sunshine, full church, with an engaged Zoom congregation - what a celebration! I need to post about the 'scarves sharing' next time, but this post publishes the link for the service for those many friends who could not attend!  With the (vitally necessary) help of IT friends (including my grandson) I have added the link below. 

At funerals you may reconnect with many friends from the past. That happened in splendid clusters yesterday. Two Australian friends were the furthest travelled, but time-travelling took me back to the church where I was a teenager (Arbury Road Baptist, Cambridge), and many friends from 1980-1993 at St. Andrew's Street Baptist Church, Cambridge as well as Spurgeon's (1993-2000). The church in Blackburn and seminary in the USA will mostly need see the recording. Our current church in Histon excelled in the best of preparations, food, music, AV and just being there. I am immensely grateful to our pastor, Chris Farmer, for his sensitive leading at the quiet family cremation service earlier in the day and then the full thanksgiving service later.  

It's difficult identifying a few highlights but let me single out:

• The major focus on giving thanks to God for Carol which really sounded out. As someone said: No one could fail to see the Christian joy throughout.' 
• Photo montage through Carol's life, especially showing the determined little girl full of character.
• Both my boys spoke movingly - it was special hearing their recollections, which included....
• Audio recording of Carol (in 2015) telling how she met me for the first time.
• Histon church tribute with a poem on her 80th.
• Scarf sharing - more in next post.

Among other thanks, I mentioned (had to) Carol's talent for match-making in Cambridge and Spurgeon's. Someone calculated that least 7 couples were present whom I had married, of which three pairs had been encouraged together by Carol. What fun in reconnecting over a mammoth tea. afterwards. Many individual conversations I will treasure for a long time. Oh, so much that I shall treasure of the whole day!

John Gooch of our AV team gave me the link below. You will be able to see the full service and also the photo montage of Carol.  Hopefully when you click on it, all will become clear. Thank you for being part of a special day for my family.

 Thanksgiving Carol Quicke

Nearing the time.

Preparations for Carol's Thanksgiving Service are speeding up, with the big unknown inevitably still unknown - how many friends will actually attend! I guess it could be very crowded.

VENUE: Histon Baptist Church, Station Road, Histon, Cambridge CB24 9LQ

TIME: 1:30 pm on Monday 27th April.

Some additional parking will be available but I know it will be busy in the village.

ZOOM; For many friends who unable to attend the service we shall zoom, using the same ID as used for live Sunday worship. For the ID please see the Histon Baptist Church website welcome page: www.histonbaptist.org.uk.

RECORDING: For many friends unable to zoom we intend recording the service. I shall provide further details about how to listen to the recording.

DONATIONS - instead of flowers, though the church ladies are preparing the church colourfully, we are designating two charities, both of which became important to Carol.

• Arthur Rank Hospice Charity may be sent c/o Peasgood &Skeates, 164 Histon Road, Cambridge, CB4 3JP
• Histon Baptist Church may be made directly to the Church Sort Code 20-17-20 Account 83701808

DRESS - we know many friends will not see this message but the family would encourage the wearing of some colour! Carol loved colour.

I continue to be overwhelmed by all your kind messages and encouraging memories - it really brings comfort.

Corrective note

I must make clear that my Easter gratitude (last post) is genuine and the risen Jesus holds fast my faith. However, I realize how it may have sounded almost facile to skeptical friends. Is accepting a loved one's death that easy?  I need to add some reality, not to dramatize the sadness, but to safeguard against any impression that these last months have been coasting in comfort. Times of desolation have been acute. And were Carol's prayers answered in ways that she wanted? No. Our Christian faith faced struggles these last few months. Do I need to mention this? Well, only to underline how faith in God does not protect you from distress, but grants a way through. 

Carol was in bed for much of the time since mid-July 2025. Being at home meant comfort was always near. She never mentioned feeling alone or scared! However, her seven weeks in hospital was a different matter  During each day I stayed 8 to 10 hours. Her neurological disease (still undiagnosed as we await further brain post-mortem results) gave her times of lucidity in the midst of complete unreality. This was a frightening combination of knowing everything was strange around her with constant pain while not understanding what was actually happening to her. Even though her brain disease removed her ability to walk and use her hands, she still wanted to get out of bed and talked longingly of returning home soon. In the last few weeks her loss of swallowing was clearly terminal. Eating became impossible and even with careful sipping, her occasional choking racked her with panicked pain. Much of my time (really hours) was spent holding a drink with a straw to her chapped lips, encouraging the smallest of sips. 

There were particular moments of desolation. One came most nights at the painful moment of my leaving. I would say a prayer, leaning close with a kiss. Often she pleaded for me to stay. I can still hear the cry: ' Please don't leave me! I would stay a little longer until visiting hours were over.  But in the morning I heard from patients in adjoining beds how in the night she was crying out for help and sometimes sobbing. Nobody would give her a drink. I am sure some nurses did help, but her loneliness and desperation was heartbreaking. 

Another grave day, Carol shared her grief openly. She told me how much she had been praying to God to help her. 'I'm praying, and praying. I'm in such a mess but He won't help me. Why won't he help me?'  I had told her several times how serious her illness was and, by prayer, had hoped to prepare her for dying.  But the dementia aspect of her neurological disease was unable to comprehend.  I reassured her of God's love and of his promise to hold her fast in the valley of shadow, but until towards the very end it seemed to be incomprehensible to her anguished mind. As I mentioned in some past posts I do believe she came to a place of deeper peace at the end of her journey. When she slipped to glory I saw she was serenely at rest. I rejoice her cruel suffering is over. How I wish she had never had to go through it, yet Christian believers are not guaranteed freedom from suffering, are they?  Carol's Easter faith - the hymns we shall sing at her thanksgiving - holds fast through desolation. 

Easter Gratitude

It's a while ago that I preached on the Beatitude: Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. (Perhaps I should look back and see how helpful it might have been/be?) But the greatest comfort in mourning is the resurrection story and its grounding truth for all living and dying. I admit the lively Easter Sunday morning service in my church with its all-in children's presence (!) was a contrast with the inner feelings I have, but the Easter truth rang out loudly with its transforming power. Christ is risen! He is risen indeed! Alleluia!  

Though my family could not be with me, two friends in my church family shared their lunch with me. Their home has become familiar through their kindness during past months of Carol's illness, and this time with them made Easter all the better. To be with Easter people who share faith is the greatest blessing.  Yes, it truly helps those who mourn. 

One of the less bearable tasks has been planning the services for the crematorium and the church afterwards. However, Carol loved the classic Easter hymns (as well as contemporary ones too). In our Cambridge ministry I used to often choose them for communion services to emphasize the presence of Jesus at the table. I remember her delight with the hymn :Low in the grave he lay. It was the chorus she would sing out: 

Up from the grave he arose,

with a mighty triumph o'er his foes;

he arose a victor from the dark domain,

and he lives for ever with his saints to reign:

He arose! He arose!

Alleluia!  Christ arose!

So, we shell end her service with these words.  Plenty of exclamation marks but it's worth exclaining!

Hugs in strangeness

Yesterday I returned to church after weeks of absence, lately beside Carol's bed or zooming the services. I knew that church friends (and they really are friends!) would welcome me yet I confess some hesitation about the emotion of being back without Carol.  It hardly needs saying that Carol's presence always added joy and vigour to conversations. It's not that I don't try but it seemed effortless to her. Always among the first to grab a tea and mix with people after the services she revelled in fellowship. I quoted one of her church friends on Facebook yesterday. In her card,she wrote: Carol - flamboyantly, outrageously wonderful, a heart for God, a heart for people. Always ready with an anecdote, told in her own inimitable way. Time spent with Carol made you feel better!  

By contrast, after the service, I would often find myself in quieter conversation with the one or two, still without a coffee, with all the flamboyant outrageous stuff in the hall next door. But yesterday, from the beginning, the kindness and warmth of people was so genuine with the warmest of hugs and compassionate of words that I can't say it was effortless but nearly so!. Friends did ask me that difficult question: 'How are you, Michael?' Difficult, because truthfully you don't know how to answer in the anesthesia and tiredness of all the practical busyness. In early bereavement, the bewildering new life bewilders. But the love and prayers and hugs yesterday were wonderful to enjoy. Holy Week is the best time to re-enter congregational worship to prepare for resurrection day.  Right on the nail for bereavement. 

Clearer details

In the whirlwind of the last few days a key date has solidified.  It's some way off but this is vital for my family (small though it is) to gather from the US and Univ. finals.  Monday April 27 at 1:30 pm is now set for a Thanksgiving Service at Histon Baptist Church. As a family we shall meet for a committal service at the crematorium in the morning. 

There are so many thanks we shall want to give for Carol's life.  I know the boys will both reflect on their Mum in the service and some of that will be lively! The sheer range of contacts who have expressed their feelings to me has truly surprised me and fills me with pride.  She really did make a difference in other's lives.

Already, now the date is known, the ladies (I think it will be mostly ladies!) are beginning to plan out refreshments.  Musicians are being marshalled including one of our friends who wants to play the organ alongside other musicians. The organizer of the church flowers has been in touch about Carol's favourite text and what flowers should best be chosen to remember her. Isn't that great? The text Carol was given at her baptism always remained significant and I think that's probably the one I shall choose. Those who knew Carol best, realize how wisely appropriate it was. 'Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you' (1 Pet.5:7). One of her great anxieties was that I would die before her. This is not an uncommon worry, is it? 'I couldn't bear to me left on my own', she said.  Well, God really cares for her.

More details will emerge with hopes to zoom the service so that friends at a distance can share with us. I look forward to providing more details as they emerge.

A horrid day

I've tried not to think about it too much.. The post-mortem for Carol eventually took place at Addenbrookes Hospital, Cambridge today.  As expected (at least by the neurological researchers) no immediate cause of death was evident, so her brain is now undergoing histology examination with biopsies likely to take many weeks before any conclusions are drawn.  Nearly 2 weeks after her death we are still in limbo.

However, I am being issued with an interim death certificate that apparently acts like the real thing. I can plan the funeral with the family and, I think, register the death even though the proper certification is some way in the future. I have registered deaths before but it is definitely different for your wife.  As regards the funeral, I am meeting with the funeral director soon and have already been talking with our minister at Histon Baptist Church. It's a smaller building but it has become our spiritual home and, importantly, the ladies of the church are already gearing up to provide refreshments,.  They wonder how many people might turn up? Good question.

Fortunately the service will be online with Zoom which should enable friends at a distance to share in the service.  I am so relieved to have reached this stage. As soon as clear details emerge I shall post them, of course. So, expect to hear before long though the service will be a little way off so that my US family and London family with final exams etc. are all accounted for. 

Limbo

Eight days since Carol's death and I am still waiting for the next move.  The Medical Examiner, Funeral Director, Minister, and us as family are all dependent on what the Coroner determines about a post-mortem.  Through early confusion, when I was allocated a Coroner's Officer, who a day later (after many phone calls) I discovered was incorrectly given to me, I was given a really keen-to-help Officer.  However, she had not dealt with a possible Creutzfeldt-Jacob Disease before (not many have) so she needed to begin a slow discovery process.  Early I explained that the last scan Carol endured (that's the word) had revealed it was unlikely to be CJD but this didn't seem to register..

So, these last four days I learned that a CJD post mortem was likely to be inevitable. Various unhelpful facts emerged. That there were only a couple of UK mortuaries willing to undertake such a post-mortem - in Edinburgh and London.  The disease is seriously contagious when exposed -nobody wants the job! The plot thickened when I learned that actually no CJD postmortems have recently been carried out in the country.  In this exasperating limbo I kept pressing for the original researchers to be fully consulted. 

However, I'm relieved that there now appears to have been a high level neurological meeting today and we might know more next week. .All the time, I am remembering dear Carol in the suffering of the last few days - how unusual her disease is proving to be and how bravely she bore it. And I have been immeasurably comforted by the tens of cards, letters now coming each day (it's a long time since the postman was regular). Your memories, anecdotes and descriptions have been heart warming. Soul warming. I am so grateful and I know the family will be when they come to see the range and depth of greeting.  And, hopefully, there will be news of a thanksgiving service soon. 

Farewell dear Carol

Dara, my daughter-in-law sent me photos she had taken of Carol, singling out this one as her favourite. I like it too. It catches the smile and joy as she was with family. I posted it on Facebook yesterday which issued immediately in an overwhelming (in the best sense) torrent of sympathy with friends' memories. So far, over a hundred friends from our varied past have surprised me by their specific memories of her in action and their love for Carol.  What an extraordinary comfort it is to learn how others have been genuinely touched in meaningful ways by your loved one  Likewise, I so value each of the comments made by some of you on this blog.  I would love to be able to reply to everyone - please forgive me but the word 'overwhelming' is true in these first days and appropriate answers are some way off!  Thank you so much for your prayers.

7:05

Just returned from the hospice.  Simon and I had been with Carol all day with obviously increasing pain this morning, which the dr. on duty corrected. Sitting by her bed we were aware of some response but when two church friends popped into see her, and share in tea provided by volunteers, Carol seemed on the same gentle path of decline.

We left at 6:15 after prayer and promises to see her tomorrow. We had travelled two miles or so when the phone rang. The sister in charge told us that when they were changing her position it seemed that she has suddenly developed a sinister breathing pattern. She thought the end was close. We turned around and re-entered the hospice. Sister Rosa was sitting with Carol. I was stunned by the change.  It is often commented that people choose to die when their relatives leave. Was this happening? 

It gave us a chance to say our thanks to her and all she means to us,. I read some Scripture and prayed, especially that she might enter glory peacefully.  Within minutes her breathing had ceased! 7:05 is the recorded time.

I have too much to work through at present and, unfortunately, the Coroner has to be involved because of the unknown neurological illness.  Obviously I shall post details. For all your prayers and happy memories of dear Carol, thank you.

A pain day

 A brief post to share how I witnessed the hospice in action today. My son Simon arrived by train to give valued support by the bedside. Sadly, Carol's pain increased as the day wore on.  'Wore on' is an apt description! You could not only see pain on her face and increased involuntary body movements but in the way she punctuated breaths with groans. Increasingly, staff monitored ongoing medical response. Apparently Carol began on 5 mg of one particular med while others in the hospice are at 60 mg.  When and how should they increase dosage, especially because hospital notes excluded several options like morphine because of possible anaphylactic shock?  Today, I have been so impressed by the care and time spent by the doctors on seeking a safe balance of drugs to meet her pain. So much time spent explaining to me.

Eventually, by early evening they had established the right combination of drugs for the 'driver' (the name they give the shunt in her arm).  To our great relief her face relaxed, her body stilled and her breaths, though an effort, quietened.  It is such a relief to see pain come under control and the anguish abate !

What also helped us today was the visit from our minister, Chris, who led prayers for Carol. He anointed her with oil, and with words of Scripture and trusting prayers committed Carol to Jesus' care.  Though I, and others, have prayed with Carol there was a weight and depth to this time that I pray, right in the midst of pain and anxiety, she knew Christ's grace and promises ministering peace.  Actually, it is particularly in times of pain and anxiety that the peace which passes human understanding brings comfort and hope.

Again, thank you for bearing yet another medical bulletin. I so appreciate your care.

Suddenly

After no posts for 4 days, because Carol gave me no particular news to report as she gently declined,  today is different. This morning two friends came and Carol showed some humour, though talking itself is clearly a problem. She and Andrew have always exchanged banter with gentle ribbing and to our delight she showed flashes of the old Carol in some jocular jousting.  Wonderful.

However, I had noticed earlier that my major daily comforting role of holding a straw to her sore lips, so that she could sip Diet Coke (of course!) no longer worked. I could see her trying to suck the liquid up but her sipping strength had failed. Her contorted face showed both the effort of trying to make her sipping work and her consternation that no liquid came. Later, in the afternoon her doctor appeared with great concern that her breathing was suddenly deteriorating. She thought that the neurological disease was shutting down more physical activity - like sipping and even breathing. Speaking directly to Carol she explained they would be putting a port in her arm to help her receive some pain killers. Carol croaked agreement though when the nurses arrived she loudly proclaimed she didn't need any pain relief.   

Sadly, the evidence quickly mounted about how much pain she was in. The doctor then revisited me and gave me the talk. Very sensitively. She  told me how Carol is now much closer to dying which could be happening very soon.  This requires my London son, Simon, to come tomorrow and for me to be ready  even tonight that they might call me. When I asked whether I should stay the night at the hospice she judged that was unnecessary, but kept emphasizing how difficult it is to tell about the dying process when the brain begins shutting down vital functions.  They have not seen this disease at Arthur Rank before but seemed surprised at its sudden reversal today (as I was!)

It is so strange to be in the situation I have already seen others in the hospice when loved ones have died. I knew it was going to happen and yet this has still caught me out with a shock. Thank you for all the love and prayers so many of you have showered our way.  I'll let you know the next stage.

Gratitude

I am filled with gratitude tonight. Prayers wonderfully answered. This morning the news came through to the G3 ward that at last a bed was available at the newish Arthur Rank Hospice - a splendid roomy home with ground-floor wards looking out onto hedges and bird tables. I visited with my home group (and Carol) when one of our members was dying, for a memorable prayer session in their garden room. Carol has been admitted to a four-bedded room which she shares with three older women - all frail and fading. Eventually, she will move into a solo room.

As a family we wondered whether this transition to a hospice would awaken Carol to the realization of how ill she really is. Her disease's dementia element has meant that at times she still sees herself as likely to return home and even to walk again. Will this new experience help her understand more and, importantly, help in her preparations for death?  Through many years she has helped people in exactly this situation as a palliative care visitor. I remember in the US hospital she became aware of a man whose anger at dying made him impossible to talk to. Indeed, some of the staff were frightened to go into his room. Yet Carol went in and began conversation which calmed and comforted him.  The rest of the team marvelled at her touch.

Her situation remains most unusual. And, perhaps she does know!  Whatever, we as her friends are praying for peace, comfort and faith these last days and for the best ways to help her.

Entering the building you are immediately aware of  loving concern which surrounds patients and their families. You really are. Only one day into the experience and I have experienced genuine comfort and skill and I am grateful.  We keep praying for this last chapter to be filled with God's love and peace.  

Sad waiting

Members of the palliative care team are becoming familiar to me. Several have now spoken since last week - all with genuine empathy I have to say. However, they have needed empathy. Yesterday they called to say they had a bed lined up for Carol but that a person in the hospital proved to be even more in need of end-stage care than Carol. So she lost her place in the queue. 

With voices full of warm care they said that they hoped something would happen today. 'We know how much Carol needs the care,' they commented, 'and she remains priority.'  However, it didn't happen - no bed became available at the hospice today. It's all doubly sad waiting. Sad for Carol who remains on a public ward with all the noise when I long for her to be in a more restful place, but sad because all the time talk about finding a bed means someone else dying, with all the grief and goodbyes, in order for a space to come free.

I shall hope to report better news soon. The one side-ways silver lining is that Carol has always loved Radio 4 on from the early hours until TV (Heartbeat especially recently) is switched on later in the day. She says that she loves the sound of people talking.  Well, that is certainly happening! 

Anyway, thank you again for all your prayers and concern

Learning about Friday

Today I gleaned three pieces of information about dear Carol. Two relate to Friday events. First, the palliative care team managed to secure a bed at the Arthur Rank Hospice that day. I had no idea of this option - perhaps just as well! Out of their concern that Carol be given more appropriate surroundings and care this was an immediate opportunity. To be eagerly seized, surely! Wait.....

However, as I reported in my last post, Friday was also the day for the MRI!  In the hospital 'team tagging triangulation', the neurology team's decision trumped the palliative care's wishes.  When I heard later that the MRI had shown a clear brain scan I was more than slightly upset that Carol was still on her noisy ward when the hospice move had been secured.  Even more disappointing, was today's second piece of information from the palliative care team that the Friday bed has now been filled and Carol has been put on a waiting list.

BUT also today, the third piece of information came last, this afternoon. The chief neurologist spent half-an-hour with me. He emphasized what he had mentioned before - that humility is vital in his role. (Actually, it's vital for the Christian life too!)  Though Carol's symptoms checked out positively with the list of CJD symptoms -which I looked up the NHS data and I couldn't help but agree - the Friday MRI now led them to the conclusion that Carol is not suffering from CJD!  Her brain should show certain evidence, yet didn't. What a turnaround! What a mystery, because she is clearly impacted by a serious neurological condition. 

The neurologists would love to research further but agree that they do not want to cause more distress to Carol.  Presumably they hope to do post-mortem research.  Living with mystery continues to be our journey. I pray for an opening at the hospice soon and for Carol's peace.

Thank you for bearing with these twists and turns.

About 1-2 in a million

 At last, the much delayed MRI occurred. Simon has come to stay with me this weekend which meant welcome company as we supported Carol through the ordeal at 7:00 pm last night. She completed a successful scan in terms of lasting the required time in the noisy machine. Not successful in terms of the neurologists' hopes that something significant would show up.  We learned today the scan was clear.

The result is that Carol seems to have joined an unhappy rare group of  Sporadic Creutzfeldt-Jacob Disease sufferers, because the clear scan apparently provides evidence to them of something very unusual!  I know I mentioned this possibility earlier. CJD is so rare that only around 1-2 persons in about a million suffer from it. In 2020 only 131 people died from it in the UK. Sadly, it develops rapidly as a fatal illness with very troubling symptoms.

Today Carol has been very tired only surfacing briefly this afternoon with slurred speech and a request for Diet Coke. Friends will know this is her drink of choice and one of my vital jobs is  helping her sip minute mouthfuls without triggering coughing/choking. It's hardly nutritious but it's the only nourishment she has! 

Weekends are inevitably marking time periods in hospital.  I expect palliative care to move into action on Monday for Carol's next chapter. Unfortunately, her ward has become noisier. Immediately opposite her is another older patient also called Carol, who has demanded high attention today, calling out loudly for her husband who was only present for a short time this morning.  As staff rush in to placate her and call out 'Carol, Carol ' it adds yet further confusion!   

We keep praying for peace, comfort and courageous faith. These are not easy days.                                                                                                                    

Three team tagging

The last few days have seen 'triangulation' as one doctor called it, as the three different teams concerned with Carol have been collaborating.  The medical, neurological and palliative teams.  Rob was due to return to the US early Monday but heavy snows in NY meant his flight has been delayed until early tomorrow (Thursday). For me this has been a real bonus because all three teams have spoken with us these last two days and Rob has been able to weigh in with significant questions along the way (as well as be with me each evening as we reflect on Carol's decline). Sadly, decline it is and this has meant serious collaboration.

One area of discussion was the feeding tube. Because Carol is no longer eating solids (which has been true for much of this year) the medical team has been keen to fit a feeding tube (as I mentioned in the last post).  Admittedly unpleasant, they have seen it as necessary to stop Carol wasting away. However, the neurological team has been concerned that Carol's lessening cognitive ability means that she no longer has control over her swallowing.  It is hard to imagine the mental state of someone who cannot remember how to chew and swallow.  Actually,  I don't want to imagine it.  It was ultimately agreed by triangulation that the feeding tube is not going to improve her situation and could actually cause distress.  So it's not happening.

The result of this is obvious. Carol is entering a time with no food and minimal drink. This is where the palliative care team is attempting to track the progress of her disease - though we still don't know a diagnosis.  Is this sudden?  Most definitely. Everyone is surprised that she has become so unwell so rapidly. The long-awaited MRI scan is due to take place on Friday but it is agreed should Carol object (and her  claustrophobia is likely) they will not pursue it. 

I remain so grateful for the love and prayers of our many friends. Please forgive me that I have been unable to reply to so many of you.  I deeply appreciate your kind words. Thank you all. 

31 days - on repeat

So far this year Carol has been in hospital 31 days ( I can imagine my US friends totting up the $ signs!)  It's been a bonus to have family support this week and Rob's visit from the US has brightened up our nightly returns home from the ward which are otherwise so dreary.  Our neighbours (who also go to our church) have cooked meals for both of us the previous five nights - that's real neighbourly love!

Carol is stuck deep in a groove with increasing weakness. A repeat pattern dominates. Partly with successive doctors, nurses,  physios and dieticians each requiring a summary of Carol's condition (with differing results from active listening to its opposite). And partly, dear Carol herself, for ever repeating how numb her hands are, how sore her lips are and (most difficult) about her desire to get up and walk to the toilet (impossible) and to eat something, which has still not found an answer. Three staff came to see us through yesterday about her swallowing and diet problems. Frustration was increased when one swallowing expert made dairy-free porridge which ended in more choking. The end result was talk of a feeding tube up her nose and down her throat. This option was not well received!  Actually, thinking about that is quite frightening in terms of quality of life, isn't it?

However, Carol continues with (very) occasional vintage observations. She told Rob that he needed to lose weight today and because I was wearing a red sweater with green trousers she observed that I could work in the US chain store Target, where this is the uniform. These moments are rare but to be treasured. 

One of you asked me to be more specific about a couple of prayer concerns I have. Good point. 

1. For Carol to have peace, patience and courageous faith in these difficult days. And for me, too!

2. The neurology team insists she has an MRI - may this happen soon and reveal more about Carol's illness with the possibility of some specific remedial help.

3. The palliative care team needs to share help from their experience about possible future steps for Carol.  

I have been overwhelmed by the contacts that so many of you have made. I am not sure when I shall be able to respond but please know how deeply grateful I am. 

What's in a name

Yesterday I spent an hour with the professor in charge of Carol's case. I learned that no progress had been made in identifying her illness but that it is no longer appropriate to call it dementia. Rather its name is neuro-degeneration.  For Carol its stages cannot be charted, though the fact that she has not eaten for 9 days since entering the latest ward is a grim sign.  They insist that a further MRI and lumbar puncture are necessary in the next few days but admit that they may still be unable to pin-point the particular disease. As you can imagine, I feel conflicted on all this. 

However, there are highs as well as lows.  I sadly didn't witness it but the highpoint today occurred when I was collecting my jet-lagged son after lunch. Going up the stairs to her ward we met two friends from the church descending with smiles. They had just visited Carol and found her responsive in ways that (I think) surprised them (and me). Apparently, she remembered names and was 'on form'.  As they put it: 'These are moments when we see 'the old Carol'.  One of the oddities of her disease are these times of connection when confusion and tiredness are rolled back. I still chuckle with her comment to me a few days ago when a meal was served in her previous ward. It included a piece of processed meat which seemed  too good to waste (and I was hungry). I began to eat it and Carol suddenly chirped up: 'You have a brilliant gift for eating disgusting food!' 

However, bringing us down-to-earth, when we entered the ward after our church friends we found her in deep sleep showing no responsiveness as we held her hand and tried conversation, which went nowhere for the next four hours. These lows are very dispiriting but we remain so grateful for the love and prayers of so many friends. We keep trusting. 

In suspension

I have been overwhelmed by the kind concern and prayers of so many friends in our history who have reached out to us.  As I write it's a flashback to the days of my aggressive prostate surgery when Carol took to this blog with regular bulletins about my health. (Some friends commented how much more interesting it was when she was writing!)  However, today has been a suspension day. In the absence of doctors and tests over the weekend I have no firm news though it is obvious she is fading in strength.

Tomorrow promises more information though it concerns me that Carol's mystery neurological disease means more tests than may be helpful for Carol's comfort. I confess tension about whether some of the more invasive tests will be more for science than comfort.

I remain in suspension unable to tell my family the pattern of Carol's decline ahead. Rob is planning to fly back from the US soon and Simon comes again on Tuesday. 

So many friends have said that this blog is the best way for me to keep .in touch.  Certainly Facebook broadcasts too widely. I shall try to share news as and when it emerges.  Bless you for all your love and encouragement

Full circle

Today Carol has been placed in palliative care. It's come full circle because Carol's passion for hospital visitation was focused on palliative care. For many years at Addenbrooke's Hospital Cambridge (where she now is) and at Central Du Page Hospital, Illinois where she served for nearly 10 years.  I always marvelled that she went straight into such a demanding care for the dying, with her hallmark compassion at full stretch.  Some of her experiences with the dying were so uplifting. She generally prayed with patients, sometimes gaining responses from them that no one else had achieved. 

Why is Carol suddenly in this need? My last post had her downstairs at the other end of a baby monitor. Well, sadly, she began to deteriorate in mobility last weekend and it meant a return to hospital. After two nights in A & E , she was moved to a ward where she rapidly declined. On Tuesday I was shocked by her appearance - she looked very ill. When the doctor asked me what I thought about Carol's condition I answered 'She looks seriously ill.' To which the doctor said 'She is!' Maybe she was testing how prepared I was for what was to follow.

Neurologists today have spent quality time with her and concluded something else is happening to poor Carol. They have yet to determine exactly what it is, though it certainly apes some dementia symptoms. They mentioned two possibilities which are both rare.  One is CJD. Frowning, I tried to remember what those initials stood for when she said, 'Mad cow's disease is one of its variants.'  (Creutz Jacobs disease) That's incredibly sad news. Carol is certainly in fairly constant movement with some loss of limb control. As you can imagine, I so grieve the pain she's going through and the sadness of having to prepare the boys (and myself). I shall find out more soon and am taking the liberty of posting details on my blog knowing so many caring prayerful friends read this.  . 

Upstairs/downstairs

The before/after contrast is a great sermon device, fitting many Scripture narratives and key salvation theology - from darkness to light! Unfortunately, it can work the other way round. Carol's aim when eventually discharged from hospital was to climb the stairs and sink into her own bed. Buoyed by liberation, we entered the front door and on the first step she fell heavily.  A neighbour helped me right her. In that single moment it dawned on me how everything had changed. When the promised carer arrived he said we should make a second attempt upwards. Same disastrous result. And so began the 'after' saga. 

Downstairs is one through-room stretching from the hallway to garden doors. Everywhere bears Carols' design style.  A bed is not in that design! Now four sets of carers in pairs visit every day to wash, dress and care for  her. I have been cast into a full-time carer's career of watchfulness and service, made all the more heroic by the return of her UTI.  Because Carol can easily fall, and did a couple of nights ago leading to 3 and a half hours on the floor before the ambulance came, her restless nights are filled with too many awful possibilities. Each of the many times loo stops are required she is supposed to cry out to me upstairs. She should never attempt to get out of bed without support.  

Within the downstairs strains, the love and prayers of friends have been sustaining. And imaginative. My church Life Group clubbed together to purchase an upmarket baby alarm. Its night vision allows me to view a screen by my bed so that I can picture impending disaster downstairs in time to prevent another fall.  Two church friends brought down Carol's own bed from upstairs and then one of them connected the baby monitor. That's Christian concern in full flow action.  I am so grateful for the upstairs/downstairs connection.